Steel, Clay, or Bamboo?

Bamboo forest: Look how tall these stalks get. Can you believe bamboo is a type of grass?

Brick is strong, but not flexible. Straw is flexible, but not strong. Bamboo is both, making it an ideal building material. You can build scaffolds, houses, mats, fabrics, and more with bamboo. The magic happens when you can become like bamboo.

Bamboo is a totem for me. (A totem is a is a symbol — usually an animal, plant, or natural object — that has special meaning for a person, family, or group.)

In most areas of life, it pays to be both strong and flexible. In raising children, a routine provides structure (strong), but if inflexible, it can become suffocating or cause rebellion. Suppose you do not want your daughter wearing make-up until she is 14, but all of her 13-year-old friends are allowed to. I think a good solution is to chalk it up to social norms changing, and allow her mascara and lip gloss (flexibility), saving the eyeshadow and blush for later (strength).

The benefits of structure and flexibility can be seen everywhere. In September, we look forward to the structure school brings, but by December, we're praying for a snow day where we can turn off the alarm, sleep in, have a snowball fight, then curl up with hot cocoa and a book. After a few days, people are usually ready to have a schedule again.

As a former kid and a young mother, I needed structure and flexibility to be content, for different reasons. As a mom, I yearned for those snow days as much as I did as a kid. It was a break from the snapping and whining (I admit it) of the 6:50 a.m. rush. It let us re-bond through shared relief and fun. Some of our best memories happened on snow days.

As a caregiver, it is expecially important to avoid being too rigid or too weak, because the safety of your patient or loved one is at stake. However, a person who was formerly 100% independent can feel their dignity and agency being robbed from them. You may lose their trust or cause them to fall into depression.

In this interaction, a nurse is helping a patient with a traumatic brain injury, Ms. Edith, who is not yet well enough to leave the house on her own.

RN Aaron (noticing his patient is looking for her keys): Edith, I see you're looking for your keys. Can you tell me why you want to go out?

Edith: I'm just craving some ice cream.

Aaron: Ice cream sounds great. Since your doctor has said it's not safe for you to drive yet, let's figure out how to get you that ice cream without getting in the car.

Edith: I've been driving for 15 years, and I'm sure my muscle memory will kick in. I think the doctor just doesn't want to get sued.

Aaron: How about we get some ice cream and cones delivered and then go eat them by the pond?

Edith: I guess that would be ok.

One more example, and then I'll leave you with that food for thought. (You can eat newly sprouted bamboo shoots, by the way.) "Grow a backbone." Have you heard that said? It means stand up for yourself. A backbone is also strong yet flexible. Consider this conversations:

Amy: "I know I said I'd meet you at 3 to get work done, but I don't feel like it. I'm not sick, just tired."

Deborah (disappointed and a little hurt that Amy doesn't seem to value her time): "Oh ok, that's fine. Let's reschedule. Let me know when you're up to it."

Amy: "k byeee"

Deborah: "..."

Prudence here has a stronger backbone:

Amy: "I know I said I'd meet you at 3 to get work done, but I don't feel like it."

Prudence: "Are you ok?"

Amy: "Yeah. I'm not sick, just tired."

Prudence: "Hmmm. Well, unless you're really not up to it, I'd still like to meet soon. How about 3:30? I had blocked off this time and was looking forward to working together and getting this off my plate."

Amy: (sighing dramatically): "fine...could we do 4 though?"

Prudence: "I appreciate that. I'll bring coffees."

[In the end, Amy was glad she went, and Prudence felt good she was honest about what she wanted. Any friend worth having would want you to be.]

An alternate ending would be Amy saying no to meeting later, because she too has a backbone. "I'm really sorry, Prudence. I know it's not fair to cancel on you this late. How about reschedule for lunch tomorrow, ok?"

If you find yourself resenting people for pushing you around, consider giving your spine a glow-up and practice in low-stakes situations, such as politely sending food back when it is not cooked well, or gently pushing back when a doctor's office keeps putting you on hold for what would be a quick yes or no question.