Through Conflicts, One Tea at a Time

We've all heard of "vicious cycles." Did you know that cycles can also be virtuous? That does not mean they have proper morals—it means the opposite of a vicious cycle. Instead of a downward spiral (think water circling the drain), it's upward, like water bubbling up from a fresh spring. Let's see how to trigger one, using conflict as an example.

Vicious vs. Virtuous Cycles

An example of a vicious cycle is hunger leading to starvation leading to death. A hungry animal (or person) with no food gradually becomes weak. They have less energy to find food, so they get hungrier, weaker, and eventually starve. To Build a Fire by Jack London illustrates this in a heartbreaking way:

Out on the trail in the brutal Yukon cold, the man’s trouble began when he broke through thin ice and soaked his legs; desperate to dry out, he built a fire, but numb fingers fumbled, and snow from a tree branch fell and smothered the flames. Each attempt to rebuild failed as his body grew colder and weaker, and the colder he became, the less he could use his hands. Caught in this downward spiral, his strength slipped away until the vicious cycle of cold, clumsiness, and failure finally led to [spoiler alert].

An example of a virtuous cycle is fresh air and sunlight leading to health and happiness.

For a person who sits around inside on the computer (cough), getting up and walking around the block leads to muscle activity and seeing new things, which leads to feeling more energy, which leads to walking more, which leads to a more pleasant life.

This is why your great-great-etc-grandparents called an evening walk a constitutional. It's purpose is to give you a “strong constitution” — a state of physical health and emotional well-being.

In the Korean legal drama "Beyond the Bar," Attorney Yoon describes a virtuous cycle:

"Why do you think English and American law is the most cutting edge?... Over there, people file suits when they trip on a crack in the sidewalk. They sue tobacco companies when they get cancer from chain smoking. So legal principles are renewed. As attorneys come up with creative approaches and grounds, precedents get established, constantly reducing the range of legal uncertainty. This results in greater predictability of the law and its judgments too. That augments the confidence people have in the law, so when something happens, they trust in the law instead of dealing with it alone, and that makes a more virtuous society.

Vigilante justice

How Can You Use the Virtuous Cycle Concept in Your Life?

You’ve heard of “killing someone with kindness”? You don’t kill the person; you kill the hatred. (Leave it to English to use a violence metaphor).

Imagine someone acting annoyed or angry. They may be yelling, freezing you out, being passive aggressive, or making barbed "jokes." You can’t make them stop, but you can make them a hot drink, pull out a chair, and ask them to tell you what’s on their mind. Ask, tell, mind — these are key words, subconsciously inviting them to soften their emotions and engage their rational side. After all, it is literally impossible to change someone else's feelings or behavior—you only have control over yours. So grab a figurative crowbar and leverage your own behavior. It may influence them to feel or act differently.

There’s a Catch Though

It's hard. Often too hard. Our bodies and minds go into fight–flight–fear–fawn mode when we feel attacked or abandoned. Meeting anger with kindness is so difficult that people turn to religious figures for strength and insight — think of Jesus, the Dalai Lama, St. Francis of Assisi, who was said to pray:

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is discord, union…"

But wait a second.

Is it kind to ourselves to sit there and let someone shoot daggers our way? Of course not. The most important person to show kindness to is yourself.

That hot drink?

Mentally walk yourself through the process of preparing tea or coffee. Is it calming for you? Does it give the other person some cool-down time? Yes and yes. So try it — nurture the both of you, while also making space for listening to each other. Any time your emotions flare, take a sip and feel the hot steam, taste the flavor. Take a breath. Go back to the kitchen for sugar if you need some space.

Don’t have any tea? No problem. A simple cup of water is fine. The magic is in offering hydration — the most important human need, second only to oxygen. Think of cold water touching your fellow human’s dry lips, and yours… I hope you can feel the emotions shift. If you can’t imagine it, try it.

1. Get angry at someone.

2. Pour yourself a cup. Listen to the faucet running, the splash as the water hits the cup.

3. Hold the cup in both hands like the gift it is, and sip.

4. Breathe. You held your breath to drink, so give yourself the gift of oxygen.

Check in with your body. Do you feel more able to respond thoughtfully, rather than letting your emotions take the lead? Are you less angry?

When anger is returned with one kind action instead of defensiveness, it sparks the virtuous cycle, which can result in resolving or moving on from a conflict. What's more, it sets the stage for future conflicts to become calmer and more productive. This can even ripple out to others beyond your immediate circle. If you try this, please share your results!