Making Tea For My Best Friend

Source: Unsplash

My best friend is making me a cup of tea.

She's so thoughtful. Of course, she's going to leave me the dirty dishes. She's so annoying. But ahh, that aroma! What a sweetheart, she chose my favorite chai. We'll both gaze out the window as it brews. What will we talk about? Whatever the fuck we want to! We love hanging out together. Usually. Truthfully sometimes I can't stand her, but thankfully she's much more agreeable than she used to be. And anyway, it's not like I have a choice. She'll be with me until the day I die, because she's me.

Why did I decide to be my own best friend?

It's very simple. Nobody wants to die alone. Though it may not be likely, truly you can only know with 100% certainty that you will be with you. Whether that sounds like a blessing or a curse is a matter of perspective, and that perspective is shaped by your relationship with yourself. Once I learned that, I realized two things: (1) being your own friend is a powerful asset in the battle for inner peace, and (2) I don't want to live and die with someone who hates me.

What did you think, after reading the first paragraph?

I'm imagining different responses:

"I'm glad you like yourself. You should, because you're a likeable person." [Do you know who you are, Voice 1? I do, and I thank you for helping me remember who I really am.]

"Wow, egotistical much?" [Yes, Voice 2; yes I am. Deal with it, bitch.]

"How did you get to the point of loving yourself? I want to do that, but I can't." [It's ok, Voice 3, you'll get there. I truly believe that.]

In fact, Voice 3, I write this post for you.

I think I'll call you Violet. I don't exactly know who you are, because you metamorphosize. Sometimes you're a younger me, as a child or young woman or young mom; sometimes you're my family or friend; sometimes you're an amorphous imaginary archetype.

Source: Gary Schmitt

But yes, Violet, I truly believe you will grow to love yourself wholly. It's actually simple, and it only took me 50-some-odd years to figure it out. Love is a practice, not just a state. I'm going to say it again; it's that important: Love is a practice. So just practice it. Start now.

You can't be in a state of loving yourself, my dear Violet, until you are practiced enough to do it effortlessly. "Love yourself" is not a command to feel love for yourself—it's not possible to force a feeling—but rather it is a command to give love to yourself. You can do that, and it's not even hard.

"But how?" Violet asks.

Well, my sweetheart, self love starts with a desire to befriend yourself. You said you want to do that but you can't, and I'm telling you I believe in you and in the achievability of this process. Just treating yourself as you would treat an ideal best friend. If this friend says something critical of herself, for example "I really screwed that presentation up," you wouldn't tell her "ha! you're so right, you actually do really suck." You'd maybe say "C'mon, you nailed it. It was concise, funny, and I really learned a lot from it. Now let's go grab some cocoa and binge-watch Netflix!"

So, Reader, when you find your inner critic acting up, shut that bitch down, because she doesn't deserve to live rent-free in your head.

While serving her an eviction notice, tell her this:

"Stop being a jerk to my friend. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way. She's doing her best. Instead of criticizing, why not tell her you believe in her? That she's doing a good job in highly difficult circumstances? That's how a good friend would behave, and I know you have it in you, because that's how you treat other people. Why do they deserve your praise but I deserve your scorn? Never mind, don't answer that, just get the hell out." (Then review some applications for a rent-free inner advisor.)

Defend yourself like the beast you are. (Source: Unsplash)

This journey of a thousand miles starts with the single step of noticing when you're being mean to yourself, and shutting that shit down. Then—and this is the most important thing—start over.

Start by asking yourself what a best friend would say to you. Be that best friend, and say it to yourself:

"Wow, you nailed that. At first I didn't realize it, and I'm sorry for that, but here are some things I noticed that you really did a great job on. I'm proud of you. Hey, let's go grab some drinks and toast to how awesome we are! L'Chaim!"

Source: Wix

So if you're fighting for your life after being hit by a bus in the middle of a work day, even though you would grieve the absence of your loved ones...

You'd have the comfort of being with a person you love—and trust in 100%—even in that worst-case scenario where you're utterly alone on your deathbed.

Your loved ones will know that you didn't die lonely. And what a beautiful legacy to leave to your children—that it is not only possible to love yourself, but it is doable! If there is one thing I want for my own children, that I know will be accessible for them no matter what, it is to love themselves as I love them in the depths of my heart. Learning to love myself has allowed me to love them even more, so if you don't feel like you can do it for you (fuck that, yes you can!), do it for someone you love more than life, because love is truly something that multiplies the more of it you give.

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