Mama Manifesto, Chapter 1: I Am Woman

Hear Me Roar!

A Paleolithic family

Paleolithic humans are us, just a long time ago. There have been minor biological changes, mostly to do with jaw size, skin color, digestive enzymes, and disease adaptations. Our brains have not changed much. A Paleolithic human and a modern human would probably have very similar intellectual abilities and emotional states. Fear, attachment, jealousy, curiosity, status-seeking, cooperation, aggression, empathy, sexual attraction, grief, etc., felt the same to them as they do to us. Gender roles change with culture, but they are deeply ingrained in our biology, for better or worse.

As we strive for a more egalitarian relationship between men and women, it's also important to recognize and honor the differences between us. I am a woman, with a similar but different brain and body. A woman's brain on average has more neural connections between the left and right hemispheres than a man's, whose brain is generally larger in size. Make of that what you will. The female hormonal environment and timing differ significantly from a male's, which also affects brain development and daily functioning.

I like this state of affairs. I have always felt drawn to traditionally womanly pursuits, even in my education and career. Unfortunately, homemaking, nurturing, and teaching aren't always respected the way they should be in modern American society. As a homemaker and nurturer, I will no longer tolerate that disrespect. Women are as valuable and important as men. Who doesn't appreciate a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, or grandmother? Female love and attention are one of the basic building blocks of human health, development, and quality of life.

I have come to see that my role as a Mom is to:

1. Take care of my health and mental well-being.

2. Cherish each of my family members for who they are.

3. Model polite social interaction by treating all people with due respect.

4. Keep a clean and welcoming environment in my home.

5. Influence others as needed, with gentle but firm expectations and boundaries.

6. Contribute to society at large.

In order to do those things, I have a mental model. Imagine a circle with rings around it. In the center circle is me, because my mental and physical health must come first. No one can take care of me as well as I can, because only I truly know myself and have the power to fully care for myself. No one else should feel responsible for that.

In the second circle is my husband. He's my partner and the love of my life. I chose him to father my children. He has my back, and I have his. For a family to function well, the father needs to feel valued and respected. Our marriage is the foundation of our nuclear family, so everyone benefits from me putting him next after myself.

In the third circle is our children. They need a nuclear family that functions well, no matter how old they are. Dysfunction is a problem to be addressed, not something we're doomed to continue because of old patterns. It's the natural order that parents strive to meet the needs of their young; in humans that continues as long as we live, and in the afterlife through our legacy.

That brings us to the fourth circle: extended family. I want to have good relationships with my parents, sisters, brothers, and nephew. Some of these relationships are hard for me to navigate, but with love and boundaries, I'm making progress.

Anyone who loves more than one person can see that love is not finite. This mental model does not mean I love my husband more than my children, mother, father or sister. Love expands with every person you choose to love; it's not a finite resource. Marital love is different from parental love, which is different from sibling love. Time, however, is finite. One of the challenges of being human is managing the time you give to work and to relationships. That is and always will be a work in progress, as needs and responsibilities shift over our lifetimes.

Our brain capacity is also finite. According to anthropologist Robin Dunbar, we have the mental capacity to have about 5 people in our inner circle, ~15 people who are close allies, ~50 people we can have meaningful relationships with, ~150 people we can have stable social relationships with, 500 people we have as acquaintances, and 1500 people we can recognize or have some knowledge of.

In this phase of my life as a woman on planet Earth, I want to choose how to prioritize my time and mental capacity with greater care and thought than I had in my youth.

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